Created by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D., Imago has moved to the forefront of approaches to couples’ therapy. Imago is a comprehensive theory to explain why marriages in the western world begin with “Romantic Love” and after several months or years descend into the second stage of committed partnership called the “Power Struggle”.
While in “Romantic Love” couples often identify their similarities, the Power Struggle begins to highlight their differences. Differences can produce great frustration and conflict. It’s in the power struggle that many couples will separate as the way out of disillusionment and frustration.
The challenge for every couple is when the predictable “struggles” of partnership begin to show up, that they can find a way through the difficult times with greater understanding of each other’s needs.
The act of “Listening” is not, as a rule, seen as a skill or tool that brings people together, increases understanding or leads to empathic connection.
Most people listen with the intent of responding to what they’ve heard. Very few people listen with the intent to understand what they’ve heard. Superior listeners recognize the “otherness’ of the other and if they ever wish to know this person, they better become a good listener.
Good listeners begin to learn that people are uniquely different. They learn that relational safety can be created by listening, understanding and then imagining the feeling state of the other.
When I listen, understand and empathize with your circumstance or situation or frustration, I have begun to actually connect with you.
Couples plagued with frequent arguments or the avoidance of touchy issues because they’ll invariably wind up in a frustrating argument, truly need a partner who has the capacity to listen with interest, curiosity and understanding
While validation has to do with the other’s thinking, empathy is about the other’s feelings or emotions. After listening to my partner and making some sense of what they’re saying, I put myself in my partner’s shoes to imagine what they’re feeling. “I imagine you’re feeling hurt, alone, misunderstood and disconnected, is that what you’re feeling?” A positive response to that question can indicate that one has connected, at the feeling level, with the other.
Empathy is one of the higher functions of the human brain. That I can imagine, with some degree of accuracy, what you’re feeling and experiencing without confusing it with what I’m experiencing or feeling.
There are emits consectetur notted aetinciduns pisicing jutre elit sed at eiusmode tempors.
There are emits consectetur notted aetinciduns pisicing jutre elit sed at eiusmode tempors.